It's the 7th day of Decembeard. It's still festering. Grabbing a hold of me and tightening its grip tighter than a pair of my little sister's jeans... Which look great on me, by the way.

My life sucks. I found a cricket in my beard. Not to mention Cornlius's sweater came in the wrong colours.

I had an interview the other day. It went like this.

Juliet: Am I going to die after drinking this potion?

Me: No, it will simply put you into a very deep sleep, slow down your heart and stop your breathing.

Juliet: Will me and Romeo ever be together again?

Me: Duuuurp a durp. That's the point of the potion.

Juliet: Are there going to be any after effects of the potion?

Me: Nope. It's perfectly safe.

Juliet: How did you come across the recipe to this potion?

Me: I whipped it up in the kitchen while I was making breakfast. Don't worry though, I tried it on my ferret and he was a-ok.

Juliet: You have a ferret?

Me: What self respecting priest doesn't have a ferret? C'mon woman, get with the program.

Juliet: Why do you like breakfast so much?

Me: Get out of my house...

Juliet: Wait, one more question first. Are Romeo and I going to have a happy life?

Me: If you don't... I'll sick my Cornelius on you.

Juliet: Who's Cornelius?

Me: My ferret. Now get out.

This is Cornelius. His sweater was supposed to be magenta, mustard and ox blood. The hat was supposed to be a pirate hat. And it was supposed to come with leederhosens. Stinkin' ebay.

And that people is how you convince someone they're not going to die. And kick them out of your house. Im'ma go make some bacon and eggs.